Rabbi Michael Leo Samuel

From Jewish Values ONLINE:

Question: Is it okay for an unmarried 22 year old couple to sleep together in the same bed, in the same room as the woman’s 11 year old brother?

Answer: In the interest of brevity, I must say that the Halacha frowns upon young people sleeping together before they get married. That being said, historically, young people will always act like young people regardless of what the codes of Jewish Law or books of Etiquette have to say.

Still, young people tend to forget how easily it is to get pregnant. That’s one of life’s simple complications and that is why marriage is such a great institution for young people who love one another to seriously consider. Mind you, I am not condoning the behavior; I am merely speaking about its reality in our times.

However, when you add an eleven year old brother to the mix, I think you are modeling some very poor behavior. Parents must have privacy; in fact, everyone ought to have privacy. Granted, that is not always possible. Here is my recommendation: (1) Have your eleven year-old brother sleep in the living room. (2) Do not engage in any intimacy while he is in the house. (3) Better still, have the boy stay with his parents—where he belongs.

As I was going through the classical Jewish legal texts dealing with Jewish etiquette, I came across several interesting historical facts that most rabbis and lay people are probably unaware of. In the impoverished communities of Europe, Jewish and non-Jewish families did not always have the luxury of having separate bedrooms like we now have today.

It was not uncommon for entire families share one bed [1]—provided of course, people were modestly attired. Given the lack of heat, the circumstances were decidedly different because a sick child might not survive without the body heat of the other family members. Such a practice was very common throughout the medieval period as well.[2] By the 18^th century, the custom of family beds became widely unusual throughout most of Europe.

In the United States, the practice continued into the 20^th century. Even Abe Lincoln, while traveling, would share a bed with a friend.[3]

My, the world has changed . . .

Given the problems we know recognize about pedophilia, we can now say in retrospect the medieval practice of families sharing a bed or a bedroom ought to be strongly discouraged.

Notes:

[1] Even HaEzer 21:7. This Halachic passage would strike any reader as offensive, and I purposely did not translate the material for the JVO. Suffice it to say, we have come a long way and the world-thankfully-is no longer the same.

[2] Jeffrey L. Singman, “Daily Life in Medieval Europe” (Santa Barbara, CA: Greenwood Publishing, 1999), 46.

[3] Stephen Mennell, “The American Civilizing Process”(Oxford: Polity Press, 2007), 64-65.